here's part one of two, and older story

a day in the life of v


i walk outside. i don’t know why but i do. it’s bright, too bright if you ask me. my eyes keep shifting, coming in and out of focus in order to adjust. they never do. but I will keep trying to make them adjust. i put on my specs in order to distract the light a little but it’s still there and my battle with focus will continue throughout the day. i sigh to myself and presume to walk. i don’t really know where i’m headed but i know that i have to get there soon. i’m late, i always am, well i usually am. time just seems to mesh together at times and i don’t realize where it went.

well all this goes through my mind as i walk towards the bus. i see a friend of mine through my sideway vision but i can’t look directly at her to say hello. the light forces my eyes down. so i stand there for a second. i decide that she does not or will not see me so i continue walking. i wonder why she didn’t see me. what i had done or what i was doing. it plagues me the whole way and then i notice it. i just stepped in gunk, there’s gunk on my shoe.

i continue to walk because i know that i am late. and as i continue to walk i hear it. the constant sound of the gunk sticking to the floor and my shoe suctioning off the ground. the constant repetitibe noise just drives me insane. i stop. two people who were following a little too close behind me bumped into me. they are not amused. they scoff at me as they angrily walk around me until they look into my eyes, which are still trying to focus. they quickly turn and keep walking. they don’t see me smiling meekly and my quite apology, which somehow got lost in the translation. i’ll have to think more about that later, but right now my only concern is that my shoe is suctioned to the ground and i have to save it.

i sit down. i am aware that i am in the middle of the sidewalk, but my optimum concern lies on the gunk, my shoe, and its salvation. but as soon as i sit down i realize that my bare hands are my only weapon to foil the plans of the gunk, which are to drive me crazy. the problem is that i just washed my hands before i left and they are exceptionally clean. so i sit for a minute thinking, thinking very carefully about it. clean hands versus gunk. i decided to kill it, foil its plans, and send it back to hell. i attack it with all i have. i succeed in getting it off my shoe. there were a few little strands but i can over look them. they won’t suction me to the floor and i feel accomplished.


i smile and through my blurry vision i see my friend. maybe the only real one i have. he floats in and out occasionally. today he’s floating in. i smile at him and he smiles back a bit distracted. i get hurt. i ask him what he’s doing her and he asks me why there is gunk on my hand. i understand the distraction now. i frown. i get up and walk towards the grass, but there is none. i ask him for napkin, but he doesn’t have one. the lamppost will have to do. we stand there staring towards each other for a while. i’m searching for a look of need or purpose or caring. he seems distant. he smiles and says that my hair looks cute. i forget everything else. everything except the gunk on my hand and we laugh as we try to make it leave. the gunk still has its kamikaze mission to send me into bizerkko land. and it would have succeeded had it not been for the small amounts of laughter coming from my friend and me. through some hard work the gunk is gone though now i feel dirty. he askes me where i am going, i shrug “but i’m late”. he tells me that i usually am and we walk in silence for a while then he floats away. i wonder when he will float back in and even if he will. i get so lost in this thought that i almost miss my bus, but it was there waiting. i think back as wish that i would have looked at where the bus was headed to get some idea of where i was headed but i didn’t. i did know however that it was the right way. so i sat in the bus and continued to think of my friend. i wonder where he’s going, and why he was acting so strange today. he seemed in no hurry but i’m anxious for him anyway. i was and still am uneasy. he always does that to me.

i wonder about that as i try to move my hand. a small amount of suction is pulling it down. it is only a small amount, almost inaudible and almost not worth feeling, but it’s there just waiting for me. it’s the gunk again. it’s there, i know it’s there i can feel it. i try to ignore it but it’s useless. there it is mocking me as the bus moves on, laughing at me. i try not to listen but it’s everywhere. i look at my hand and it’s there smiling at me, slyly. i try to scratch it off with my nails but that is to no avail. my hand is becoming red and i have more skin in my nails than gunk. it all become too much and i start to cry. actually the tears just start to fall as i look at my hand. people are staring at me i can feel it their eyes wondering as they look over me. i try to look up to look at them but my eyes still haven’t found their focus so all i see are images turning away. i get distracted because my hands feel wet. i don’t know if it’s tears or blood. the tears in my eyes are making the focusing worse and so all i see is a red mesh and feel a wet mess. yet through my warped vision i can still feel their eyes on me, this bloody teary psychotic mess.

a boy offers me a napkin. i take it. i wonder, as my eyes focus on him, if he is going to turn away now. he sits down, smiles and me and says something. i am confounded and shocked that in all my blurry mess i see this amazing smile that is so engulfing that my tears so down. hw says that i shouldn’t cry, he hands me a napkin with something on it. he tells me to use it to clean my hand, and to trust him because it will. and in a completed lack of character, i do. not because i trust him, although i feel that i do, but because this gunk is driving me crazy and i really need it to leave before something really devastating happens. so i use this boy’s napkin with the stuff on it, and it cleans it, it does the job. i smile grandly and look over at him. he’s still there sitting next to me, but is distracted by these little toys of his. they look like nice toys and i stare over his shoulder for a little bit. my eyes still not being able to see everything, but i see that smile again and i feel all right. then i notice it. there is a bit of my gunk on his toys. i panic. i try to make him notice, but i can’t seem to talk. the worlds just won’t come out. i start crying again. he puts his arms around me and hugs me. and for a moment there i forget everything and things are all right. but them i remember the gunk and push him away. i point over and over, but he doesn’t notice. then it begins to happen. i can feel it at the tips of my fingers and working its way through. it all begins to get numb and it will continue to until it gets to the back of my neck. i look at him for help though i know he couldn’t possibly understand. he just smiles at me and i get lost in the smile for a while, enough time to be unaware of how far the numbness has traveled. i don’t want to do this. i’m worried. he casually gets up, smiles at me, and picks up his toys. i see the gunk on his stuff and scream out. he covers his ears, drops his stuff, and turns to leave. and then i see the gunk on him. it’s going to happen to him now. i have infected him and he will now carry the gunk with him, a constant reminder of me. not a good one either. as he leaves the bus he turns around and smiles at me. he says he will see me later and not to cry. i get lost in his smile again and it’s the only thing i can see now. it comforts be despite myself and i smile back. the it all goes blurry.